I thought that she hated me, but then I “re-framed” and knew that she would love me.
I was out at a bar the other day and I saw this cute girl standing there. She was standing right in front of the bar to my left. To her left were a group of her friends.
Behind the bar there was this giant fish tank. It was directly in front of the both of us, so I thought to myself that this would make a perfect “observational opener.”
Observational opener: starting a conversation by making a comment about ones surroundings.
I looked over to her and said something like, “have you ever been to a bar with a fish tank before?”
She basically looked over at me, made a weird face, and then turned back to her friends. I could tell right away that she had zero interest in talking with me.
My mind was then flooded with a river of negative thoughts and beliefs. I began to think about how bad my conversation starter was. I thought to myself that, “if she doesn’t like me, then how could any other women like me?” My mind was being over run. It was being taken hostage but negative beliefs that just weren’t true.
What I needed to do in this situation was to re-frame the negative thoughts into positive thoughts. If I let the negative thoughts keep going then the rest of my night would be ruined.
Once the girl at the bar completely ignored me, I have one of two choices, as do you.
You can either beat yourself up and lower your confidence. Or you can “re-frame” so that you will BOOST your confidence.
Let’s talk about the first option. This is where you say things like,“I am horrible with women.”
“I am just too short, that’s why she didn’t talk to me.” “I’m never going to meet anyone, women don’t like me.”
This is what a lot of guys will do in this situation. They will tell themselves negative things that will NEVER help them. Having negative thoughts like this will never help with inner confidence.
The truth is that you will never really know why a girl doesn’t want to talk. When I tried talking to the girl at the bar and she ignored me, I thought to myself, “man, that was a stupid opener, why did I say that?”
Instead I should have re-framed my thoughts and thought something like, “She is really attracted to me but she has a controlling boyfriend. If she talks to me, he might find out.” This is a much better way to look at the situation than to automatically think that the girl doesn’t like me. Or to think that my opener was bad.
I will never really know the exact truth as to why she ignored me at the bar. But if I am always assuming that I did something wrong – it will never help me or my confidence. So why not consider all of the other possibilities?
When you re-frame it becomes about the “situation” and has NOTHING to do with whether or not you are good or bad at attracting women. This is a much, much better frame to have in your mind. Having this mind frame will build your confidence over time.
No matter what you are doing – if you ever find yourself having negative thoughts, re-frame so that they are positive.
If you approach a girl at a bar and she says to “go away,” instead of feeling bad about yourself you can re-frame and think, “Ok she’s not the one, but at least I am one step closer to finding my dream girl” (you can use any re-frame that you would like as long as it is positive).
You see how re-framing stops negative self-talk? You never really know why things happen the way that they do. You never really know why a girl doesn’t want to talk, why she stops texting, or whatever. But thinking that it is all your fault or always looking at the negative side, will always hurt your confidence.
So in order to boost your confidence and stop taking everything personally – I challenge you to start re-framing everything.
Start to look for the positive in EVERY interaction and/or think of ALL of the other reasons (other than something that you think that you did wrong) to why an interaction doesn’t go exactly how you wanted it to go.
From this day on…
Whenever you start to have a negative thought about yourself, or whenever your start to blame yourself for why something happens – re-frame those negative thoughts.
You confidence starts from within. It starts once you stop listening to the negative self-talk that creeps into your head. It starts when you replace negative thoughts with positive ones.
Watch: Jason Capital Explaining the Re-frame Method.
photo credit: Ranga Krishna Tipirneni via flikr